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GayTies News for January 22, 2019


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  • Mortgage Discrimination Hobbles Gay Male Couples

    No matter where she went or what she did, Congressmember Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez voiced her support for transgender rights all weekend long. The 29-year-old lawmaker, who represents parts of Queens and the Bronx, touche... Show more

  • Despite Divisions, Women Marched on Saturday

    Gay male couples — especially black gay couples — are at heightened risk of discrimination by mortgage lenders nationwide when they are seeking to purchase a home, according to an analysis published in the University of C... Show more

  • A Chill LGBTQ Gathering in Astoria

    Two years after women and their allies in untold numbers turned out the day following Donald Trump’s inauguration to protest the new president, Women’s Marches were once again staged ... Show more

  • Tish James, New York’s New Attorney General

    This past Saturday, Queens Pride held its 26th annual Winter Pride gala fundraiser, the proceeds going to produce the June Pride Parade & Festival. The evening included a social hour of cocktails and appetizers follo... Show more

  • Wilde’n Out

    Though former Public Advocate Letitia James officially took office as New York’s attorney general on January 1, it was at an inauguration packed with political heavy hitters at John Jay College the following ... Show more

  • The Power and Perils of Representation

    This show has a lot popping up! A new “immersive nightclub musical” in Bushwick blends the future and the past with pop culture obsessions and hot dance moves. “Oscar at the Crown,” at 3 Dollar Bill through February 2, det... Show more

Article of the Week

A Man's buttGetting to the Bottom of a Main Source of Anal Pain
By Dr. Evan Goldstein

Bottoming in anal sex can be immensely pleasurable — until it isn’t. If you do develop irritation, pain, or bleeding, or find that you are no longer experiencing pleasure, you should talk to a doctor. Unfortunately, not all primary care physicians are well versed in anal health. They may perform a physical exam and prescribe a topical cream, but sometimes that’s not enough. If you do have a recurrence of the symptoms you may be sent to a proctologist, only to discover that these specialists too often lack sensitivity to LGBTQ issues, ask for only limited sexual history, and perform a superficial physical examination.

After this inadequate evaluation, the proctologist may follow your primary physician’s lead and offer what I call an “I don’t know but use this cream” diagnosis. This cycle can go around and around, with second and third opinions offering you as little long-term relief as the last doctor. By this time, you’re likely to have become frustrated and depressed, fearing you may have to throw in the towel and (heaven forbid) live the rest of your life as a top.

I’ve seen this narrative play out over and over, and seen many gay and bisexual men and women (cis and trans) who feared they might never again enjoy receiving anal sex. The root cause is often a condition known as anal fissures — even if your proctologist can’t pinpoint it. And there is new hope for resolving these issues long term.

An anal fissure is a small tear in the tissue that lines the anus, which can cause pain, sphincter spasms, and bleeding. If you have recurring symptoms like these but your doctor says she didn’t find anal fissures during her exam, you might have what we call a phantom fissure; and it’s no delusion.

What is a phantom fissure?
It’s no different from the usual anal tear or fissure, except that it’s generated only from the pressures encountered during anal intercourse, which can cause ripping of the surrounding tissues or muscle. Because it only appears under dilation, during a traditional exam, it may appear that the fissure has healed or needs simple topical treatment.

So, what should you do? Most importantly: don’t give up. LGBTQ-friendly (and educated) specialists are determined to solve these problems and do so in a way that is not alienating or shaming. At my practice, we are destigmatizing and removing the taboos around anal intercourse, bringing the science into penetrative sex, and providing vital information to a community lacking appropriate resources. The best treatment can only be determined by analyzing one’s detailed sexual history and current dilemma to arrive at the diagnosis of pathologies — in this instance, a phantom fissure.

What are my options then?
Your first option is to attempt medical management of the problem. If anal fissures are caught early on while still in the initial stages, you could use at-home dilators or alter your sexual techniques. Not only will you become a more educated bottom, you’ll find preparation and specific techniques can increase pleasure while decreasing pain and risk of injury. Unfortunately, since so many of those suffering from anal fissures have been misdiagnosed or delayed seeking expert medical opinion due to fear of judgment, they have developed chronic issues that mean simple medical management isn’t enough.

That’s when you might consider surgical interventions. Sometimes, the best course of action — even if nothing is found during the initial examination — is to bring the patient to the operating room. One diagnostic technique simulates anal intercourse. Under sedation and local anesthesia, full relaxation of the anal region can occur and allow for inspection and evaluation of friction points as relating to both the skin and underlying muscle. (This is generally done via the insertion of progressive diameter dilators.)

For example, one may be able to fully relax the deep muscles for entry, but the skin is too taut, causing localized tearing. Or vice versa: the skin relaxes fully, but the muscles won’t dilate to accommodate. An experienced physician can spot this during surgical evaluation, but they need to know what to look for. They need to have the knowledge behind the sexual science not only to understand how to make the diagnosis, but also to be inclined to offer appropriate and proven treatments.

Once the diagnosis is made, there are corrective procedures to alleviate these issues. The overall goal is to remove any chronic scarring of the skin, which will initiate healthy tissue growth and new scar formation to build strong connections that can withstand pressures in that area. Sometimes just dilating and stretching with local lasering or cautery of the cuts and skin will allow you to get to the next level of anal engagement.

Botox can also offer benefits. Using botulinum for both the surrounding skin and muscles allows for temporary relaxation, which gives you time to heal, strengthening the surrounding skin, and allowing full dilation of the underlying muscles, until finally you can reach your bottoming goals.

Post-surgical treatment relies on a collaborative approach between clients and physiciansathe client will be advised to use at-home bi-weekly butt plugs and then return to the office for local cautery treatments to encourage healthy and tough scarring. Right before one is fully healed, we suggest a regimen to encourage strong and distensible scars, which will allow you to get to the desired diameter for receiving. Remember: the skin, muscle, and, of course, Botox, all play a key role here. There is plenty for us to do to get one back in the game. It’s not rocket science. It’s looking at this in a different light, with a different approach — science and healthcare.

Recovery from these surgical interventions
can last a couple of months and occurs in stages. Admittedly there is some significant pain during the first few days, and then some localized pain during defecation that resolves within two weeks. Four to six weeks after the surgery you’ll initiate at-home dilation with butt plugs, which last for the subsequent three to four weeks. You can certainly incorporate this dilation into your sex play, but one is unlikely to be able to receive an average penis girth until two or three months post-surgery.

Most people do not need follow-up Botox shots, though depending on your size-queen ambitions, it may be necessary. The goal is to set oneself up to fully heal and be completely dilated by the time the Botox wears off, which is around three to five months. Then you can safely engage in consistent, daily bottoming with a partner or favorite toy — and continue doing so pretty indefinitely.

Plenty can be done — not only to heal one’s phantom fissures, but also to educate physicians and patients on the resources available for this condition. Don’t accept failures in the health system that limit your narrative. We need a collaborative approach to demand high-level specialized care for those in the LGBTQ community. I won’t say bottoming is easy for everyone. It can be hard work, but as we all know, it’s totally worth it in the end (pun intended). (Pub. 1/1)

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All About Our Chat Rooms
Of course, ANY member can go into the chat rooms at ANY time; it's a free gay chat room service. You do not have to be a premium member to use it. All you do is go into chat by clicking on the “Chat” link in the green header. As soon as you click to enter the chat room, that link changes to a red flashing “Chatting Now.” This is so everyone will know you are in there and they can enter also, if they wish. The book icon you see at the bottom of the chat window explains the simple features about chatting.

There are three popular ways to start a chat:

1. The first is spontaneous. Whenever you see the flashing “Chatting Now,” go in there.

2. Another good way is to arrange it. If you want to chat with someone you see on line, message them to meet you in chat, either right then, or a set a pre-arranged time later. You can also message someone who is not on line, and set a pre-arranged time to meet in chat. Some members will use our personal Ads to meet guys for chat.

3. The other way is to start an international group chat. Here is how to do that.

Here are the 3 steps to start an online chat group session:

First click on “Last 100 logins” green link on the home page and scroll through the profiles to see who is currently online.

Second, type out (or copy and paste) a short invite such as: “I am creating a group chat session in 5 minutes, please click on 'Chat Rooms' and meet us there.”

Third, send this message to ALL those gay chat lovers currently “on line” who selected “Cyber / chat buddies” as one of their interests.” Usually you see about a couple dozen members who are currently on line, AND interested in chat. Use the "Send message" link under each member's photo and simply paste that message invite, and send it.

Do this sort of quickly so everyone gets the invite within a few minutes or so. In group chats, do not get selective. Message everyone you see online.

And …. that’s it. You are done. Chat with any of them, or let them chat with each other. It may be helpful for you to explain some features of chat, while you are in chat.

We suggest that before you send out your group invites, go into the chat room first and click on everything. Get a little bit familiar with the rooms, how to have private “whisper” chats, and especially click on the book icon, which contains very simple chat instructions.

It is not critical, but the rooms are for different subjects of chat. People can chat in the Lobby, or go into a subject room to be with those of similar interest. The Kinky Basement is for guys into kink talk as well as beating off, the Boner Room is for all kinds of jo scenes, and the Friendship Lounge is for guys seeking a non-sexual chat with cyber friends. And, you may see other rooms which members have created, because you can create your own room, for your own purpose.

What to chat about? Well, of course, all your erotic personal stuff. But also about gay clips on Gayties. Gay videos are a hot social network topic here, as well as kink and romance. We ask everyone to be courteous and patient as we all get to learn more about how chat works. Finally, we suggest one other thing, … be adventurous and have fun.

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